I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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