he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
