Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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