I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
the liver wants what the liver wants
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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