woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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