I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
