watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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