Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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