i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
