I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize