dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
