another moral hangover. fuck.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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