How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
