Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
