Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
