hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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