Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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