Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
