once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
