You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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