o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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