you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
