worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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