the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
