i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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