You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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