my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
