I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
