You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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