When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
