You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
