I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I could fuck to npr.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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