shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
