I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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