I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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