Are we in a gay sports bar?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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