Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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