I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
