Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
