OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
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