i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
