My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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