Me. At least after what I've been through.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
