Its about making memories worth repressing
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
