Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
