I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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