omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
