Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
