I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I have post one night stand depression
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