My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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