I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
