I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
