The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize