I smell stomach acid.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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