When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
