I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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