It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just gift wrapped bread.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize