i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
