I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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