but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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