things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
